Day 33 - When Did I First Start Trying to Quit?
I think in one sense, I've been trying to quit porn since I began it. I've been trying much more aggressively in the last year, and highly intentionally in the past 6 months. It has come and gone in waves of victory and defeat.
I would have a few days of victory followed by several days of defeat and discouragement. Then maybe a week of victory followed by 3-4 days of defeat and discouragement.
Then last fall, when I started the Fortify program, my first run was 17 days, which was very significant at the time, but the failure on day 18 spun off a longer season of on again/off again victory and defeat. I felt like all the momentum I had gained was lost in such a short amount of time, and I felt like I was back at the beginning - day 0.
What I didn't realize at the time was that I had been doing this "getting up and falling down" thing for 10 years, but I didn't ever watch the pattern, so getting up was always a temporary motivation of self-will or a new season (I'm 18 now, I'm 20 now, I'm 21 now, It's the new year, I'm married now...NOW I won't struggle anymore...NOW is when I get serious). And every defeat bred discouragement and apathy, reinforcing the feeling that this is home. I believed the lie that addiction was where I belonged and everywhere else was uncharted, unsafe, and unwanted.
But getting out for 17 days and then going back, then getting out for 15 days and then going back built up a contrast. I was able to see that addiction was not home - it is not where I feel safest and most loved. Addiction is where I feel most oppressed and controlled and held down. It is out there - in freedom - that I feel most at home. Which is why I need to first change what I want before I can change my behavior. I need to want freedom more, so every season of victory was a taste, getting my lungs used to fresh air and then realizing I don't like stale air.
It's easy to choose the right thing when see that it's also the best thing.
I would have a few days of victory followed by several days of defeat and discouragement. Then maybe a week of victory followed by 3-4 days of defeat and discouragement.
Then last fall, when I started the Fortify program, my first run was 17 days, which was very significant at the time, but the failure on day 18 spun off a longer season of on again/off again victory and defeat. I felt like all the momentum I had gained was lost in such a short amount of time, and I felt like I was back at the beginning - day 0.
What I didn't realize at the time was that I had been doing this "getting up and falling down" thing for 10 years, but I didn't ever watch the pattern, so getting up was always a temporary motivation of self-will or a new season (I'm 18 now, I'm 20 now, I'm 21 now, It's the new year, I'm married now...NOW I won't struggle anymore...NOW is when I get serious). And every defeat bred discouragement and apathy, reinforcing the feeling that this is home. I believed the lie that addiction was where I belonged and everywhere else was uncharted, unsafe, and unwanted.
But getting out for 17 days and then going back, then getting out for 15 days and then going back built up a contrast. I was able to see that addiction was not home - it is not where I feel safest and most loved. Addiction is where I feel most oppressed and controlled and held down. It is out there - in freedom - that I feel most at home. Which is why I need to first change what I want before I can change my behavior. I need to want freedom more, so every season of victory was a taste, getting my lungs used to fresh air and then realizing I don't like stale air.
It's easy to choose the right thing when see that it's also the best thing.
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