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Day 21 - Again

Today is day 21 (again) for me. So far, the longest season of victory is 61 days over the months of March and April of this year, with another solid month in August. October (current month) is looking strong so far, and I have two more months before the end of the year to keep fighting for. When I started this year, I had never gone 30 days without looking at porn, and when 2017 comes to a close, I will have done at least 3 months, with a strong possibility of another 3. There have been times when I felt like a failure. Especially at the end of a long streak when I was doing very well and had to reset my victory counter, but even with those failures, 2017 was one of the most victorious years in my struggle with porn. I very well may end the year with 6 solid documented months of victory (not by adding the days, but full months of victory). That is actually a shocking thought to me, and highly motivating to end the year strong and to get all 6 months without compromise. If I were a ...
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Day 35 - I Am Not a Rubber Band

I keep battling the thought that this is too easy. That there's no way I can actually be free right now - I'm just wandering outside my normal area, but eventually,  I'll return to what I know. I'm fighting the thought that I'm a rubber band being stretched out more and more, but sooner or later, I'll get tired and relax and go back to my comfortable position. If I accept that lie - that picture - then I think I would eventually return. But I am not a rubber band. I am a prisoner who is walking away from captivity. Satan is just yelling after me to come back because it was better there and more comfortable there. He keeps saying "Well, you've had your little taste of freedom, but now it's time to come back to where you really belong." Nothing in me compels me to return, as long as I keep believing the truth that where I am walking is life, freedom, abundance, goodness, community, light, health, and transparency. The only thing that woul...
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Day 33 - When Did I First Start Trying to Quit?

I think in one sense, I've been trying to quit porn since I began it. I've been trying much more aggressively in the last year, and highly intentionally in the past 6 months. It has come and gone in waves of victory and defeat. I would have a few days of victory followed by several days of defeat and discouragement. Then maybe a week of victory followed by 3-4 days of defeat and discouragement. Then last fall, when I started the Fortify program, my first run was 17 days, which was very significant at the time, but the failure on day 18 spun off a longer season of on again/off again victory and defeat. I felt like all the momentum I had gained was lost in such a short amount of time, and I felt like I was back at the beginning - day 0. What I didn't realize at the time was that I had been doing this "getting up and falling down" thing for 10 years, but I didn't ever watch the pattern, so getting up was always a temporary motivation of self-will or a new s...
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Day 29 - Filters

You know what's funny is that over the past 29 days, I haven't run into a scenario where one of the internet filters has stopped me from accessing porn - because I haven't sought it out. But I would not consider taking it off because it's not there for the time of victory, it's there for the potential of failure. I can see several strong benefits to having a filter on, even long after someone might have broken free of a daily addiction to porn. The first is that it guards me against the legitimately accidental exposures. Looking back on times when I've failed and given into temptation, many of them started by accidentally seeing something that I chose to linger on. Having a strong filter has helped me steer clear of accidental encounters. The second benefit I see is in the scenario where my resolve has failed and I am actively looking to get in trouble. The filter is something I can certainly work around, but it is a reminder to myself that this isn't wh...
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Day 28 - What I'm Afraid Of

I'm a little bit ashamed of having started writing daily about my struggle against porn after 25 days of victory. It feels like I'm not willing to tell the story until I know it has a chance of a good ending, or that I'm only game for transparency if I'm on a winning streak. 25 days was my old record, and now each day is a brand new kind of win. My goal for the last 5 months or so has been to make it a month, which I've never done before. But I'm honestly afraid that after that month is done, my motivation is going to start getting weaker since I finally made it to that goal. But I have to keep asking myself, what has been my sustainer to this point. Was it the goal of 30 days, or is the goal of freedom, purity, transparency, obedience, etc. I think freedom from addiction, closeness with God, transparency with Caroline, and being a resource for freedom for other men has been the stronger motivation - which shouldn't weaken after just a month.
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Day 27 - Tracking Progress

One of the most helpful things for me in my battle against porn has been tracking my progress faithfully. I have an app on my phone that lets me track each day, whether it was a victory or a setback - and if it was a setback, what time of day, what emotions I was feeling, what location, and on what device. I've never been on a diet, but I've heard that if you start writing down everything you eat, you tend to eat better, just from the habit of writing it all down. I think the reason people sustain addictions for so long is that they have a warped view of the issue - they don't think it's a big deal or that they really have a pattern of addiction. But seeing that you can't go a week without caving in, puts it in perspective. The app is called Fortify , and it goes along with a 12-week program to help break the addiction cycle with porn. It does cost about $30, but I have found it to be well worth it. In fact, getting to the place where you can spend money on reco...
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Day 26 - Breaking the Current Record

Today marks the longest run I’ve ever documented with not looking at porn. It’s day 26 for me. It may not sound like a big accomplishment for people who have only had the occasional struggle with porn or who have never struggled with it, but I promise, for someone who has a daily, hourly, minute-by-minute struggle with this, it’s an act of God. 26 days represents well over 100 intentional decisions I’ve made to choose purity over porn. I have gotten close to this and failed many times, and it’s always because I lose steam - I change my focus and want something else more. I don't want to do that this time. I want day 26 to be the first barrier, followed by day 30, day 60, day 90, day 120, day 360, and so on. I want freedom so badly. Yes, I have failed many times before this, but that failing has taught me some really cool lessons I wouldn't have learned otherwise.  I have learned how to spot an attack from a mile away. Every single failure I've ever suffered was preceded ...
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