Day 26 - Breaking the Current Record

Today marks the longest run I’ve ever documented with not looking at porn. It’s day 26 for me. It may not sound like a big accomplishment for people who have only had the occasional struggle with porn or who have never struggled with it, but I promise, for someone who has a daily, hourly, minute-by-minute struggle with this, it’s an act of God.

26 days represents well over 100 intentional decisions I’ve made to choose purity over porn. I have gotten close to this and failed many times, and it’s always because I lose steam - I change my focus and want something else more. I don't want to do that this time. I want day 26 to be the first barrier, followed by day 30, day 60, day 90, day 120, day 360, and so on. I want freedom so badly.

Yes, I have failed many times before this, but that failing has taught me some really cool lessons I wouldn't have learned otherwise. 

I have learned how to spot an attack from a mile away. Every single failure I've ever suffered was preceded by no less than 12 small compromises. Every single time I gave ground on the small things, it was a week later I fell hard - and had a really hard time getting back up. 

It's always a changing in my heart - a wanting of something else. The absolute second I find myself wanting to look again, scroll slower, linger over something, wonder if I could get away with something, that is the first of the 12 compromises. 

If I find myself asking "is it really wrong if I..." or "is it really compromising if I..." it's time to beware - that is the sneakiest compromise of them all. Truth does not need to be rationalized - it is clear. Truth is obvious like a mountain. Truth does not disguise itself as something else. Sin does that. Sin makes you wonder if it's sin - Truth never does. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Day 33 - When Did I First Start Trying to Quit?

I think in one sense, I've been trying to quit porn since I began it. I've been trying much more aggressively in the last year, and highly intentionally in the past 6 months. It has come and gone in waves of victory and defeat. I would have a few days of victory followed by several days of defeat and discouragement. Then maybe a week of victory followed by 3-4 days of defeat and discouragement. Then last fall, when I started the Fortify program, my first run was 17 days, which was very significant at the time, but the failure on day 18 spun off a longer season of on again/off again victory and defeat. I felt like all the momentum I had gained was lost in such a short amount of time, and I felt like I was back at the beginning - day 0. What I didn't realize at the time was that I had been doing this "getting up and falling down" thing for 10 years, but I didn't ever watch the pattern, so getting up was always a temporary motivation of self-will or a new s...
Read more

Day 28 - What I'm Afraid Of

I'm a little bit ashamed of having started writing daily about my struggle against porn after 25 days of victory. It feels like I'm not willing to tell the story until I know it has a chance of a good ending, or that I'm only game for transparency if I'm on a winning streak. 25 days was my old record, and now each day is a brand new kind of win. My goal for the last 5 months or so has been to make it a month, which I've never done before. But I'm honestly afraid that after that month is done, my motivation is going to start getting weaker since I finally made it to that goal. But I have to keep asking myself, what has been my sustainer to this point. Was it the goal of 30 days, or is the goal of freedom, purity, transparency, obedience, etc. I think freedom from addiction, closeness with God, transparency with Caroline, and being a resource for freedom for other men has been the stronger motivation - which shouldn't weaken after just a month.
Read more

Day 35 - I Am Not a Rubber Band

I keep battling the thought that this is too easy. That there's no way I can actually be free right now - I'm just wandering outside my normal area, but eventually,  I'll return to what I know. I'm fighting the thought that I'm a rubber band being stretched out more and more, but sooner or later, I'll get tired and relax and go back to my comfortable position. If I accept that lie - that picture - then I think I would eventually return. But I am not a rubber band. I am a prisoner who is walking away from captivity. Satan is just yelling after me to come back because it was better there and more comfortable there. He keeps saying "Well, you've had your little taste of freedom, but now it's time to come back to where you really belong." Nothing in me compels me to return, as long as I keep believing the truth that where I am walking is life, freedom, abundance, goodness, community, light, health, and transparency. The only thing that woul...
Read more